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Dec. 9th, 2010 @ 04:12 pm Critique on prose piece need, rip me apart!
Hi, I'm applying to a creative writing course at university and my favourite uni has requested samples of my writing, so it's really important that I make this perfect. Constructive criticism is my best friend. Please rip it apart, be picky, let me know what you think. Thanks!


“Long Distance” - draft one

“Can’t you just stay?” I ask.
“I’ll be back again before you know it,” you say, looking down at me, forcing a smile.
Another month apart. The time spreads out before us. It is cold, so cold that it’s infiltrating this moment, its fingers brushing down our spines, filling us with sadness and despair.
I look at you, stare hard, trying to drink your image in, demanding more, more, more of my eyes. I just want to make these final seconds really count, to really appreciate you while I still have you...
...The curve of your lips, the colour of your skin, the sadness in your eyes.
“Can’t I just stay?” you ask.
I flash you a weak smile but can’t reply: the train is in the distance; the smooth electronic swoosh turns my stomach. In unison, we both squeeze the other’s hand.
You kiss m and tears well up in my closed eyes, escaping the confines of my lids, and running down my cheeks. But I’ll savour this moment. Your kiss. The hot, heady rush. Your hands in my hair. Your scent.
And then kiss is over.
And then it’s done.
I can barely see you through my tears, and I curse myself for wasting these last few seconds crying. There will be time for that later. Your hand slips out of mine.
Can’t you just stay?
You walk away. I stay where I am.
You press the open button on the train door. My hand stays open, fingers stretched, leaving a space for yours to come and lace back through.
And for just one moment, I think that I might never move, that I’ll stay right here, with my fingers left open, waiting for you to come back again and fill the spaces. But you look back at me and something in your expression makes all irrationality evaporate. You will come back to me. You will. You will. You will.
So my hand raises and waves you goodbye. And a spark of happiness is lit somewhere inside my chest, and it pushes away the cold expanse of time. I have you, no matter what distance prevents me from seeing your eyes, or kissing your lips, or holding your hand. I have you, and that is enough.
about
quickestpulse:
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From:funkyturtle
Date:December 9th, 2010 04:32 pm (UTC)
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When do you need this for?
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From:quickestpulse
Date:December 9th, 2010 06:06 pm (UTC)
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I have up to two weeks to send them a sample of my writing, but ideally as soon as I feel confident with the piece, don't want them to think I'm not bothered, or that I've spent the past two weeks writing something entirely new.
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From:funkyturtle
Date:December 9th, 2010 06:09 pm (UTC)
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I'm in the middle of term papers now. I'll get back to you on this later.
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From:quickestpulse
Date:December 9th, 2010 06:09 pm (UTC)
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Thanks a lot, I appreciate it :)
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From:killertatertots
Date:December 9th, 2010 07:50 pm (UTC)

for starters

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The "me" in "You kiss me and..." is missing the e.
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From:quickestpulse
Date:December 9th, 2010 07:52 pm (UTC)

Re: for starters

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Oh, typo. Silly me. :)

Any other thoughts, crit, points for improvement?
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From:killertatertots
Date:December 9th, 2010 07:59 pm (UTC)

Re: for starters

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well i find myself wondering why they are apart- work, family obligations, whatever. some readers like those details, but maybe leaving them out is better, let each person fill it in themselves./
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From:girlathewindow
Date:November 12th, 2012 04:09 pm (UTC)
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I like the idea of using a poignant moment to make an impact. I would like yo see no semi colons as those sentences could be constructed in a simoler manner which would be more effective because a semi colon interferes with the smooth reading of the piece. Also not too much left to the intelligence of the reader in quite a few sentences. One example "My hands stay open,fingers stretched, leavong a space for yours to come back again and fill the spaces". I would like to see more of the description of the person with the outstretched fingers with a suggestion of empty spaces. Also, too many uses of the comma where none is needed. It fragments the sentences where you could use descriptive simplicity to get better impact.

Hope this helps
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